Elwyn Granger

Child prodigy turned indie-art douchebag


A wiry young man with sharp features and hair dyed various psychedelic colours, about the only aspect of his appearance he cares about. Possesses genius-level intellect along with an eidetic memory and expansive understanding of all manner of scientific study. However, a lack of faith in humanity and a fear of turning into his sellout 1%er parents has turned him into a counter-culture rebel. He spends his days hanging out at a comic book store discussing various inane topics and spends his nights snorting coke and drawing self-published comics about a homicidal puppy that plots to murder its owners and all the other “shithead suburban sheep”. Though he has a Ph.D in neuroscience, he absolutely hates to be called “Doctor”.


Born to extremely wealthy and obnoxiously white parents (the kind of people who think Obama ruined everything and wished they were American just so they could vote for Sarah Palin) in Ottawa on November 11, 1987, Elwyn was considered a genius from an early age, to the point that various universities were fighting for the chance to admit him when he was only thirteen years old. However, he was rather infamous for his harsh criticisms of others, insecurity, and hatred of imperfection, having once driven a graduate student to tears when he critiqued the man’s paper. His parents had to bribe several higher-ups in the post office to intercept the mailing of a death threat that he’d sent to a professor who’d deducted marks from a paper because of a few grammatical errors, and his older sister found him trying to swallow a bottle of painkillers when he was unable to properly calculate an advanced mathematic formula.

While attending Concordia University in Montreal, where his parents had both attended, he wrote a paper on a revolutionary energy-saving method of producing electricity. He had high hopes when the paper was chosen to be published in a scientific journal, but after several months waiting for awards and honours, no one gave the article the slightest acknowledgement. Feeling that his ideas were being wasted, Elwyn switched majors into medical sciences, specifically the affects of chemical activities in the brain. He wanted to see how a genius like him could exist in the world while everyone else is “thick as pig shit”. Several days after graduating at the age of twenty-one with a Ph.D in neurobiology, Elwyn learned that his article had never even been published, as a major flaw had been discovered in his process that he hadn’t realized and none of his professors dared to tell him about it over fear that he’d overreact. Unable to accept that he’d done wrong, Elwyn rationalized that it was the fault of the corporate fat cats in charge of the oil industry that his new alternative fuel had been rejected.

Swallowing his pride, Elwyn spent five months working for his father’s pharmaceutical company before realizing that he was becoming just another corporate tool, that his studies were doing nothing but giving old men boners and depressed housewives a reason to get out of bed. He abruptly quit and cut off all ties with his family, believing that his genius was wasted on a world full of idiots. If everyone else was an underachiever, he might as well be the same. The only family member he still sees is his sister Gwen, though her visits are mostly about convincing him to come back. He gained a fascination towards underground comics and counter-culture, so he created a comic series called “Man’s Best Friend” about a suburban family who are blissfully unaware that their unspecific puppy Dog is systematically murdering their neighbours. The comic has gained quite a bit of popularity in Montreal’s pretentious underground scene. Behind the comic book store where he “works”, he trades issues for the cocaine that he needs to snort in order to write the next draft.

Elwyn Granger

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